Cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate

Scully and Mulder.
After 6 years of sexual tension.
FINALLY KISSED ON THE LIPS!!!!
Ahhhhhh
Ahhhhh
AHHHHHHH
MY WORLD IS COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.beckysweb.co.uk/beckysblog/2006/03/conversational-ebonics.asp

LOLA by the Kinks

I met her in a club down in old soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola [lp version:
Coca-cola]
C-o-l-a cola
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said lola
L-o-l-a lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

Well Im not the worlds most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Well Im not dumb but I cant understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy wont you come home with me
Well Im not the worlds most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes well I almost fell for my lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

Well thats the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
Its a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola

Well I left home just a week before
And Id never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy Im gonna make you a man

Well Im not the worlds most masculine man
But I know what I am and Im glad Im a man
And so is lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

Any major dude with half a heart would surely tell you my friend that any minor world that breaks apart, falls together again.

I feel kind of empty... lol.

Monday Sep 22 - Orientation and meeting host families
 
After I went on the free internet in my hotel room someone came knocking on my door. A girl and a guy were there and they were like "hey are you with the abroad group?" and I said "Why yes, yes I am", and then we decided to walk around Fukuoka. Which actually was not very exciting because we were in a part of town that just had hotels and convenient stores, kinda like Rosemont. It was fun anyway to be making new friends and such.
 
We had to get up at 8am to take a bus to Nagasaki. On the way there we got some commentary in English about the history of what we were seeing or just fun facts. It was about a 2 hour ride to the school where we had orientation. I took a Japanese placement exam, which they warned us would be a dissappointment. Then we had orientation on host families and what they expect from us and a bunch of other not very interesting things like how to sign onto the network. I made some friends, Carrie, who I had been emailing before, Emily who has pretty much become my best friend in Japan. I seem to have good friendships with Emilys... And a group of curious Japanse students. The guys were really funny and nice, kinda immature but sweet. The girls were so friendly I have exchanged numbers with one of them, Ayumi. Then finally after all that at 5pm our host families came to pick us up. My host father, Masaaki is 28, host mother Miyako is 30 and their daughter Motoha is 3. They were kinda quiet at first because they thought I couldnt speak any Japanese so I had to start some of the conversation. It was surprisingly easy to understand them and not feel completely lost. We had a nice dinner that my host mom prepared for me and at night we watched some TV and talked. My room is pretty big and I have a desk and table with a mirror for my hair/ makeup stuff. I pretty much have the whole upstairs to myself but that is only 2 rooms, mine and another with tatami mats and no furniture. Not that interesting but it does mean i dont have to worry too much about making too much noise when I am in my room.
 
Tuesday Sep 23 - Japanese Holiday
 
Since this was a holiday I didnt have school/ orientation and my host family took me out to town to get me a cell phone. I got a really nice one that is light pink (of course) and it can send/ recieve profiles and store them into your address book automatically. It is a very useful feature. Then we went to a sushi bar where plates came around and you took what you wanted and they added up the plates at the end. It was about $1 per plate but my host family was so nice to treat me anyway. We looked around in some of the shops and I got some things I needed. At some point we went to this manga/ anime shop were I got the first volume of FMA and Nana in Japanese for about $8. Im jealous that manga is so cheap here. At this point I was feeling like I was getting a cold so we went back and that is when the cold really started to set in. Masaaki (host father) and I played mario tennis which was surprisingly easy and then I think I decided to lay down for a while at which Motoha or Mo-chan was a little distraught over. She is probably the cutest little girl ever. My cold seemed to progressively get worse which worried me since I had school the next day. Miyako got me some medicine to help my cold and me fall asleep.
 
Wednesday - Getting lost with a cold and blisters = not fun D: and making new friends
 
Despite having a cold I went to school and had a hell of a time getting there. The school is about an hour from my host familie's house and I have to take 2 buses and walk about 10 min in between buses. The first bus was fine no problems and I found where I was supposed to get the second bus. But little did I know that there were many buses called "Nagasaki Bus". I took one bus and recognized right away that it was not going in the right direction for the school so I got off and went back to the main road where I saw different buses called "Nagasaki bus" well I thought for sure this had to be the right one. I got on it and it was going in what seemed like the right direction until we started going up the mountain. So I asked the bus driver and partly understood that it was the wrong bus and that I needed to backtrack. The I got on the bus going back the way I came and got off this stop that I recognized on a map I had of the school's surrounding area. I asked a random woman where the school was and she told me and thank god I understood her. I then had to walk a block and then up this huge hill to get to the school and I already had blisters. Finally I made it to school and things were better. We did more orientation stuff and I had to get another health check. Emily and I sort of hung out the whole day and we made a bunch of chinese friends who wanted to practice their English with us. They were all so nice!
 
Thursday - Half a day/ book off/ terrible cold
 
I decided to take some of the day off to get over my cold. The important parts of orientation were not until 1pm anyway because that was when we would choose our classes. I didn't have a very exciting day before school just sleeping off the cold. I got to school much better than last time ;). I met up with friends and Emily helped me with signing up for classes. We then walked down the hill when school was over to this electronic shop and cell phone shop. It was pretty cool but I wasn't feeling well again so I headed back. On the way back I ran into some more people and went to Book Off which is the best store ever. They have manga there for about Haku yen or $1. It is really amazing. I got the first volume of GTO. Then I was really ready to go home because I was feeling very tired and sick at this point. I had no trouble getting home this time thank god and was wearing good shoes. At night right when dinner ended I was not feeling well. It went from dizzy to nauseous to really nauseous and fever. My host mom kept asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital but I said no because I thought it would just make me more upset and more likely to throw up. Mo-chan was really worried too and sat in her moms lap by the bathroom where I was. Eventually my fever came down and I felt better. So I took some icepacks and went to bed. Unfortunitely I didn't sleep that well but it was already decided that I wouldn't go to school the next day so I was not worried.
 
Friday Sep 26 - Sleeping off the cold
 
I really did not do much this day except sleep off my cold and worry about getting into one of my classes. Luckily I got a hold of one of my teachers and the class thing worked out after all. I caught up with some of my friends who I missed very much. However I am thinking of staying longer. Originally the plan was to do an early out so that I could go back to Depaul for winter and spring quarter but that was because I was thinking of double majoring in something completely different. If I am just majoring in Japanese then it would be better to stay a year. I really love this place and I am learning so much everyday about myself and of course Japanese. I was never very happy at Depaul for some reason even though I have many friends there who I love. It would also be cheaper for me to stay here. Tuition is cheaper and so is rent... about $350/ month. Japan is no more an expensive place to live than downtown Chicago and it would be simpler than going home finding an apartment in January and figuring out classes and credits in a time span of 2 weeks instead of 2 months when I would be ending in July. The only expensive part is the plane ticket. But maybe I can start tutoring or apply for a part time job here and that would make things a little easier. My visa already allows me to stay here a year and as far as my program goes I just have to say the word and I can stay longer. They said most people end up staying longer.
 
Saturday Sep 27 - Iou Jima
 
I was feeling a lot better and after doing some laundry I went with some friends to the Island Iou Jima. We took a ferry there which was really nice. I saw saw so many pretty mountains and the bay of Nagasaki was so beautiful. The boat ride was about 1/2 an hour and I became better friends with Charlotte and Celine who are from France and Makayla who is from America. We walked around the Island to find a beach and then went swimming. The water was pretty warm and there were many pretty little shells on the beach. After the beach we went to an "Onsen" which is a japanese bath house. It was actually really nice and surprisingly not that awkward. It was seperated by gender and yes everyone had to be naked, no swim suits. There was an outdoor part where you could look out onto the sea while soaking in the steaming hot tub. But I wasn't able to stay in that long because it was so hot. After that I went back on the boat to my host family's house where I had a nice home cooked meal... not sure what it was called but it was really good. I have not had anything all that weird yet. Everything has been cooked and pretty normal looking. I was so tired from swimming and the bath that I basically when to bed after that.
 
Sunday Sep 28 - Purikura with Ayumi
 
My Japanese friend Ayumi wanted to hang out with me on Saturday but I already had plans so we made plans for Sunday. I met up with her at Sumi Yoshi where a lot of shops are including Book Off where I found Harry Potter in Japanese for about $1. So I had to get it because I thought it would help my Japanese and be fun to read. Ayumi and I went to a little Hawaiian Cafe which wasn't really all that Hawaiian but still very good. After the she took me to this little mall where I saw all these pretty hair things that we do not have in America. After that we were thinking of going to do Karaoke but found all these kittens near a shop on a hill and got distracted. They were all soo adorable and there were so many, maybe eight and there were also adult cats too. It seemed like a home owned shelter type place. They don't really have shelters in Japan apparently. After that it was decided that we didn't really have time for Karaoke so we went to another mall and did Purikura, which is basically picture taking in a booth, and then you get to put cute designs on it and write on it with a computer and it can be sent to your phone and printed out. I have the pictures online and I will try to get them on photobucket or something. After this I went home and had dinner while watching some Japanese game shows... or something. Japanese tv is kind of crazy. I had a bit of an early night this night as well because of class on Monday.

Day 1 – After the Horrible Plane Ride

Saying, “the plane ride really sucked” is an understatement. I flew United which apparently doesn’t have planes with those individual tvs where you can pick what movie you can watch. I wasn’t even on an old plane because their new planes are white and blue instead of that horrible grey color. Well anyway I survived it nonetheless and then I was off to my adventure of taking the trains in Tokyo by myself. I was worried because I couldn’t remember if the trains were in English too or not but they are so it was easy after all. I met up with Saiko at Kokubunji where we took another train to Takanodai, where her apartment is. Surprisingly Saiko doesn’t live anywhere near downtown Tokyo so the area she lives in is very suburban but also a college town. There are many little shops along the way to her apartment and so many family owned groceries. Her apartment is kind of like a studio and everything is smaller. She has a little loft where I sleep and there is a ladder to get to it instead of stairs because it’s so small. I would actually prefer this over apartments in Chicago especially because they can have laundry machines in their apartment. After bringing my suitcases to Saiko’s apartment we go back on the train to get some Ramen with her friend Mai. Saiko and Mai both know a lot of English so it was easy to talk with them but they do usually speak to me in Japanese first. After ramen I was so tired I pretty much just went to bed.

Day 2 – Harajuku and Welcoming Party

I woke up at like 5:30am which kinda sucked; stupid jet-lag. Saiko and I were planning on going to Harajuku and then that night she was going to have a party at her apartment with a bunch of her friends. Harajuku is pretty amazing. I was expecting it to be more name-brands than thrift stores but it was the opposite. The shops were more like boutiques and many of the clothes were outside. They were also pretty cheap. I bought a couple things, a dress, skirt and lacy pencil case. We had typical Japanese lunch there that was very good and cheap. I one of the stores they had music of nature and the whole place had fake grass and plants. The clothes were kind of Lolita, and the smallest blond Japanese girl worked there. She looked like she stepped out of Alice and Wonderland. After that we went to find me a cell phone but unfortunately I needed another ID which I would get after I registered myself as an alien with the city. I won’t be doing that until Nagasaki but the whole ordeal was an adventure within itself. The guy who was helping us was also very cute and very sweet… if only I knew more Japanese. We then went to meet up with Saiko’s boyfriend Tastu at Aoyama where they got visas for their trip to Cambodia. We went through a really pretty park on the way there. After that we had some time to go to Shibuya were I tried to look for sandals but failed. Shibuya is such a big place compared to Harajuku. This is where the name-brands are and crazy fashion stores. I didn’t get to see a lot because I didn’t have a lot of time but I was planning on going the following day anyway.

When we got back to the apartment I changed and then Mai and Tomoko (another friend of Saiko’s) came over to help cook for the party. I made gyoza from scratch for the first time. It was surprisingly easy. Then her other friends slowly stared to trickle in. Hitomi was a very short and energetic person, Tomoko was quiet, two girls from an art school came and then lastly this girl Yoko came and she liked to talk a lot. Besides Mai she tried the hardest to speak English to me and help include me in the conversation. I think they all tried but I was very tired so even when I did understand what was going I did not have the energy to do anything but listen. I felt really bad, I even fell asleep at one point but they understood. Despite being so tired it was a really fun party and they even made a cake for me and a girl whose birthday it was. She was one of the art students; I think her name was Yumi.

Day 3 – Baby the Stars Shine Bright and Shibuya

I could finally get my body to sleep in a little longer on this day. Saiko had work so her friend Mai was going to spend the day with me. I really wanted to go to the store Baby the Stars Shine Bright, from the movie Kamikaze Girls. I thought it was in Shibuya but it was actually at a stop next to Shibuya called Daikan-yama. It didn’t open till 1pm so Mai Tatsu and I went to a little pastry shop beforehand where I had this amazing… cake-thing. Then I went there and pretty much died and went to heaven. Never in my life have I ever cared about a brand-name but this store was like a famous place to me. I got to try on all these dresses including the white version of the one the main character was wearing in the movie. And yes, I bought one along with some other things. The purchase cost me about $240.00 but it was so worth it.

After that we went to Shibuya and Mai took me to the famous Mall “Ichi-Maru-Kyu” or 109. Clothes were a little pricey there. There weren’t many things under $30 but I would have to say I definitely splurged. I got a dress, cute pjs, a skirt, shoes, and a t-shirt with a lace-up back. The shops there were amazing. They had basically every fashion style there minus the weird ones. The shoes there were crazy, like high-healed basketball shoes that were neon. There were 7 floors of clothes and in took all day to get through it all. After that Mai and I went to another typical Japanese place where I had yakisoba cooked in front of me and so sort of Japanese omelet. It was pretty amazing. After that I met up with my friend Susannah in Harajuku. I ended up buying a skirt and sweater there as well. We had some coffee together while Mai shopped by herself. And then made plans for the following day.

Day 4 – Studio Ghibli and Karaoke

Saiko didn’t have work today so I could spend the whole day with her. We went to Kichijyoji, which is a quieter part of Tokyo that is close to her apartment. She said she often went shopping there because of the good deals. I got myself a couple pairs of shoes. Then we went to the Studio Ghibli Museum and it was amazing! The building and surrounding plants looked like they came straight out of a Miyazaki film. They had as much of an outdoor exhibit as an indoor one. There was a huge stuffed Totoro behind glass that I took a picture of, a huge catbus for kids to play in inside, and a giant statue of one of the robots from Castle in the Sky. It was so amazing. They even had some artists there who work at studio Ghibli painting some pictures. They pictures they painted were unreal. Everything by hand and it looked like computer animation. We also saw a short 20min film by Miyazaki and it was so cute and amazing. It was very science fiction with a lot of people inhabiting different planets of different sizes. This one boy makes his own little world from a stone and then releases it into the galaxy. It was so beautiful!

After that I met up with Susannah and her friend Miki and David to do Karaoke! It was so much fun; we basically sang half English songs and half Japanese songs. And yes, I did sing Crocodile rock, Sherry and Piano man. Some Japanese songs we sang were songs from the Nana movie, Linda Linda (Rinda Rinda), I miss you, and Only one. It was so much fun and we got free drinks.

Day 5 – Ikebukuro and one last visit to Shibuya

I met up with Susannah and Miki in Ikebukuro, which was about as crazy and crowded as Shibuya. None of us really knew where we were so there wasn’t very much extensive shopping but it was fun to look around at all the Pachinko and gaming malls. Pachinko is Japanese gambling. We went to this really cheap Spaghetti where I got a full meal that was actually pretty good for 368 yen or about $3.68. I then got a ton of Gatcha-Gatchas that were really cool. Finally Susannah and I had to part ways because she wasn’t feeling well but hopefully she will visit me in Nagasaki.

I went by myself to ichi maru Kyu again because… I’m addicted. I got a few things that I was thinking of getting before like a cute sweater, a dress, and lingerie. I actually didn’t spend as much money as I was expecting. Lol. I also went to ichi maru kyo 2 but then found out it was a guy’s version of the first one. Then I went back to Saiko’s place and we watched Full Metal Alchemist while I packed.

Day 6 – Anime Party and Saying Goodbye L

Saiko and I went to Asakusa to go to an anime party that her friend Ayano invited me to. I had to carry all of my luggage across Tokyo, that part of it was not fun. The event wasn’t really an anime convention because there weren’t really any panels or anything. Basically there were a bunch of cosplayers at a theme park. It was a lot of fun and Ayano had a shit ton of gifts for me. I was so surprised! A lot of if was pictures of Bleach from Magazines and she even drew me some pictures. After that I looked around Asakusa a little and it was a very traditional part of Tokyo as you will see in pictures. And then sadly I had to say goodbye to Saiko and Tokyo. The trip to the airport was awful because I somehow manage to always get lost. It was a goof thing I gave myself so much time to get there. The flight was fine and I arrived in Fukuoka at about 8pm where I met some of my group member in the abroad trip. Many of them had just commuted for 14 -20 hours so they were really out of it. I did bond with some people later that night who were more energetic. The part of Fukuoka I’m in isn’t really interesting, just hotels and convenient stores. Although I managed to make an ass of myself at one of the stores because I tried using a credit card it we went through this whole thing. Oh well this will encourage me to learn more Japanese so these embarrassing situations don’t happen again. To end on a good note the hotel I’m in is pretty cool and I get my own room with free internet!

(Pictures will be here soon but they are on Facebook anyway.)

I finally moved all of my stuff (except what I'm selling) out of my apartment. I am so glad that whole... situation is over. I really think it was the best decision for all of us to move out because I could not live a whole year, even 3 months of it in Japan, in that situation. I am also relieved that certain person is not in my life anymore. I think overall they have had more of a negative impact on my life than a positive one. So after I sell my stuff and go to Japan I can put this completely behind me and forget about it.

Japan will be amazing. I've been talking to my friend Saiko in Tokyo, who I'm going to stay with for 5 days and we're both super excited. My first night there she is planning to have a party at her place and then the next day I think I will hit up Harajuku and go SHOPPING!!! The next day I want to go to Shibuya, then Friday I'll want to go to the electric district, saturday I'll leave up to Saiko and Sunday I'll be in Shibuya again to see the gothic lolita fashion thing. And since I'll be legal there you can bet I'm going clubbing and to bars like every night. I am going to try to keep up with this journal every day and post pictures. This will be my way of keeping in contact other than skype. My parents got me a webcam so if anyone wants to skype me give me you're screen name. God 6 more days... I can't wait!!!

My my this summer has been interesting indeed. I have seen so many people I never thought I would see before I go to Japan. And done many a things I was surprised I would do but it's all in good fun right? All I can say is that this summer totally kicked last summer's ass, and trust me last summer had one big fat ugly ass. Working at Macy's was a nightmare... well Environment IL wasn't better but it ended sooner and the partying definately makes up for it. But trust me I dont regret anything. I will miss this impulsive fast paced life but Japan is just around the corner full of new beginnings.

So I'm on book five and I got to the part about Snape's memory that Harry was never supposed to see and I completely fell in love with him like all over again and I can't fucking stop thinking about Snape in so many dirty ways. It's sick, something is wrong with me. lol. Seriously I want to be there at Hogwards being his dirty little secret of a school girl who purposefully gets a detention just so she can have alone time with Snape and have him throw her on his desk and ravage her... yeah I got problems.

Man... anatomy is some hard shit, what was I thinking? I probably wouldn't be in this predicament of needing to pull an almost all nighter if I took the class more seriously... Oh well enough about that and more about other more pleasant things.

I got this beginner's Tai Chi video. It is so awesome. Exactly what I was looking for and I get to do it all by myself which makes me feel a little more comfortable because I feel rather uncoordinated. I never realized how hard it was to get the breathing right, but that's probably because I'm concentrating on getting the moves right. Once the moves become more natural I can focus on breathing with the movements. I need to get more zen music. I have classical, but not all of it is calming in the right way. I need more classical guitar. I'm doing so many activities this summer, so I'm hoping it won't be mundane like last summer. Last summer as I remember, was the most unmemorable summer of my life. I was bored out of my mind and I hated my job. This year I have a job (oh yeah I got that canvassing job for Environmental IL) that I think I'll enjoy, I'm going to do some summer school, I'm going to all these events, I'm want to try to volunteer for that woman's shelter, though I'm not going to turn the application in till after my class is over, and I'm also going to take actual tai chi lessons but with the summer class it's not possible at the moment.

I can't wait to move out. I feel like it's not happening soon enough, not that I hate it here, I just want my own room so I can have fun arranging my things my way and paint my own walls. And yeah... I want my own room so I can be actually alone because I really do need my alone time. Oh, I know why I'm going to enjoy this summer so much more, it's because I'll be living in the city and not at home. Living at home is so bothersome, not really because of my parents but there's no way to get around without a car. In the city I can rely on public to take me wherever and I don't need to worry about a designated driver ;). I guess I wish more of my friends lived around here but soon I'll have my own room so sleepovers and such will be so much easier. I'll also be like 2 blocks away from belmont, how cool is that? Fullerton is almost like the northshore from depaul going east, although much much much less annoying. Probably because it's only a street and not a few towns. Anyway... I'm babbling. It's study time.

I was thinking about careers and majors and what I want to do with my life, and to be honest I still don't know. I'm still going back and forth between biology and psychology to go along with my Japanese major, because there's no way I'm not going to major in Japanese now. I know eventually I can make a decision but not in 2 years, maybe in like 3-4 years, but my parents do not want to pay tuition for that long. I wish I could triple major.

However this pressure to find a path and stick with it is making me have anxiety about school. It's also making school and learning out to be a means to an end instead of simply going because I want to know more, because I enjoy it. I've been trying to figure out why I would love a class at the beginning of a quarter and then become so apathetic about it towards the end. I mean yeah there's summer and yeah there are boring classes but for the classes that I truely LOVED at the beginning, to lose interest that much towards the end seems odd to me. It makes me question how much I really like the subject. And towards the end, I do the work to get a good grade and not because I want to learn the material, and although there will always be requirement classes that won't necessarily spark my drive to learn, I'd hope that the majority of the time I am taking a class because I enjoy learning it. So I really thing that this happens because of the means to an end mindset I have. Yes, I probably could change it but in order to do that I would have to feel comfortable taking a class just to try it out, and to my parents that's a waste of money. Basically, I better take a class that will somehow go towards my career, because taking it just because it interests me or because I want to know more about this subject is not a good reason to take a class according to my parents. Although, I can't really blame them. Depaul's tuition is very high, especially compared to UIC and other state schools. The reason why I'm going to this private school is because the state schools don't have a Japanese program.

I guess I feel kind of stuck. There's not way that I will feel comfortable choosing any path any time soon, but in order to feel comfortable I might have to "waste money". Or I will be making sloppy decisions that could only end in regret if I don't do this the right way, which is take my time, see what I like, see what inspires me, not pressuring myself about a career, and just enjoying learning because in high school I was never inspired by learning and now I am so I want to explore it more.

So it's pretty much been my dream since I discovered environmental science to be a part of some non-for-profit organization that has to, of course, have something to do with the environment and preserving it. I went job hunting online the other day and to my amazement environmental IL was looking for people to work for them over the summer!!! The money is pretty good too but the job is so perfect I hardly care about the money... except I kind of need it for Japan. I know I'm talking as if I've already gotten it but I think I have a good chance and the woman I spoke with, Mary Kate, seemed pretty eager to meet me.

Also speaking of other NFP organizations, I was looking into volunteering at a battered woman's shelter and they called me back to send in an application. I really hope I get to volunteer for them because I they have a program that teaches how to respond to someone who has been affected by domestic violence.

Man it's hard to have passions in completely different areas but this all seems to be working out all right.

Also... I'M GOING TO TOKYO FOR 5 DAYS, CHILLIN WITH THE JAPANESE BITCHESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to Tokyo before my study abroad program started in Nagasaki, but the plane ticket has been purchased!!! It is official! I am going to be partying in Tokyo and living in Nagasaki for fall quarter!!

So I got my first white hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I know it's white and not gray because it's too shiny and platinum looking to be gray. Which makes me happy because when I start losing my color I want it to be white and not splotchy gray. Although it's more common for it to be splotchy gray. Oh well either way I already decided I don't want to dye my hair when the gray/white sets in because I think if it's taken care of it can still look pretty and I choose for my hair to be soft over crispy and chemically damaged.

I'm wondering if I should keep it... It's still in my brush right now, that's how I found it, I didn't pull it out or anything. I feel like I shouldn't throw it out but keeping it in a little box or something seems weird to me.

So I was talking to a friend about girls, and he is a guy who also likes girls. We both agreed that we liked girls in the same way and we got into the topic sex and all of this was light hearted talk really and I said something like yeah and we both like to screw girls....

And then he said yeah except I'd be screwing in the literal sense.

I'm sorry I try to not post specific quarrels with people but this was just.... oh so peachy keen!

I feel like such a tool. I swear I am NOT doing this whole hotel room thing next year for ACEN. Maybe I just won't go next year period, drama ends up happening every single fucking year and I'm not really into dancing anymore.

I've been thinking about who I am now and who I was in high school and although at first there was no change, I think it's become a pattern for me to start changing the second year of a big change. For example, 7th grade, sophomore year of high school, and now this year.

Mostly it's been because I'm a Bio major now. Before I could do well in school and still be social. Now, if I want to get proper sleep I need to choose school over friends. I used to be the kind of person who thought that finding your significant other was going to be the most fulfilling thing to experience. So I would make that the main goal for myself. Now my main goal for myself, what I want more than that right at this moment is to get strait As and get into UC Berkeley's environmental science PhD program or Forestry certified which would require a masters program. I'm pretty sure I got an A on my lab practical and I've been getting As in my other classes so I think Biology has been the best thing that's happened to me. I never thought of myself as particularly smart or motivated, in high school there were the people who applied to really renowned schools or ivy leagues and took all APs but that wasn't me. I guess I figured I was nothing special at that time. In the end I've realized that the only person that I need to worry about impressing or beating is myself and every quarter I've been raising the bar, every test. It really sucks to get only a B- when you studied so hard to get an A but that's how science is sometimes. So I keep trying and that's how I know this is what I want to do because I've always been someone to take the easy way out, my high school self that is, but now things are different. I'm learning how to put myself and my personal goals ahead of my social life, which in a way has made me a bit removed from my social life. What I've discovered from that is how I don't really need the kind of attention or the amount of friends that I thought I needed. I can still feel ecstatic when I'm by myself and friends are far away. The more times goes by with this new way of thinking the more I believe everything will fall into place.

Ok so my parents are crack head. Mostly it's because they have been living in their white suburban bubble for too long and you know what happens to people when they are in that situation. They become RETARDED. To be politically correct of course. So this is what they think and I need help from you all to argue back in a most factual and intelligent way so that if they really tried to argue against me well then they really have become mentally challenged.

They think women and men are equal in this country, in freedoms, safety, health care, wages, and opportunity and that sexism doesn't exist.

They also think racism doesn't exist because obviously since Asians can become successful that must mean black people are just lazy. This is coming from my parents who have lived in Chicago before. Wow... just wow. So yeah if you care or if this disturbs you as much as it disturbs me comment away.

For women my parents just think that women choose the family life over getting a better job. How convenient. Making our physical body, which is the only thing we're good for right, to be the very reason why we "don't choose" to excel in careers and education. I will say more but I want to hear from some of you guys.

First I want to say that I don't mean to be offensive to anyone, I'm just having a hard time understanding and if anything I think it's good that I can admit this.

I've always been unsure about transexuality but never knew why. I figured it was just because of my lack of knowledge and I've never been one to dislike anyone because of it. If anything I've been very supportive of everyone I've known who has gone through a transition or even just questioned themselves. Now I'm starting to see why I might not agree with transexuality and I'm willing to discuss this with anyone who has more knowledge of this because I know I'm no expert. So these are my reasons...

I am very passionate about there being a gender spectrum.
    A gender spectrum by definition would mean that a boy can be biologically a guy and still want to do feminine things. The spectrum theory is very individual based and it makes it so there aren't any pressures to be a certain way if you think or act in this way. You and you and that's all there is to it. This however goes against what has been drilling into our society for centuries of gender roles. Since I believe that you can still be biologically a guy but seen as soft, beautiful, and delicate I don't see a reason for him to have surgery because why does a chest have to mean masculinity, why can't it be individual based and personality based instead of appearance?

I absolutely hate gender roles.
    This really gets me when it comes to women, especially trans f to m, because from who I've talked to it seems that the only reasons why they are going through with it is because they feel like they need to have a man's body to be seen as masculine. And while that may be true, they are perpetuating gender roles by doing surgery because it's like they are saying, yeah patriarchal society, you are right, I can't be seen as masculine or strong unless I'm a guy so I'm going to go have surgery. That is what scares me the most. Why cant women with curves and breasts be seen as strong, heroic, tough, rational, intelligent, etc?? In the same way where why do porn stars feel like they have to get breast implants to be sexy, or more womanly? I think that if society weren't so strict on gender roles and what it means to be a woman, or a man then maybe transexuality wouldn't exist. And I'm not saying that to suggest that transexuality is a problem and people should just deal with their issues on their own time. What I am saying is that I'm glad people are questioning their gender because it questions society's constructs which need to be broken down, but I'm not so happy with their decisions on how to deal with those issues because I feel like instead of addressing the bigger issue at hand- society, they just go along with society and say, well then I must really be this gender, and then go through all these painful surgeries to fit in. And that's just not fair, I dont think they should feel like they have to do that in order to be seen in a certain way.

I realize that I probably have very idealistic views and part of me knows that trans people do have to change their appearance to be treated or seen in the way they want to be seen, but I still feel like there needs to be more effort put towards changing these gender roles and social hierarchy.

Who's with me?